The Glassy Eyes
“Being a lover and being in love has a difference too large. The first becomes a part of you, the other fades away with time.” - JS
Akash grunted slightly as Payal wrapped her arms around his chest, resting her head on the toned muscles of his back. Ever since Shyam’s fiasco had been out, Akash didn’t breathe a word to Payal, staunchly ignoring her.
Payal craved to have her Akash with her, their nightly intimacies binding their crumbling relationship.
As Akash shifted from her grip, Payal gripped him tighter and sobbed softly on his back. “Akash, please. I need you. Ak…” She hiccuped. Akash opened his eyes and sighed, the pain of having his wife keep secrets from him… something that potentially destroyed his family, broke him.
For Akash his own family came first, irrespective of everything. Anjali was the one who practically raised him because his own mother never had any time to spare from her frivolous parties and makeup. He turned around and stopped Payal as she leaned to hug him.
“Do you know the monstrosity of your silence? For what… why did you keep quiet? My Di…” Akash closed his eyes briefly, trying to forget the distraught face of Anjali’s. “Akash, you tell me on what basis would you all have trusted us? Also… how could I just break the peace of our house. I was compelled to keep quiet Akash! Di’s pregnant and if she got to know…”
“You could have told me damn it!” He snarled, frighteningly resembling his older cousin. Grabbing Payal’s shoulders, he yanked her and looked into her large, teary eyes “I don’t feel any love for you Payal. Whenever I see your face I doubt if I ever see the woman I loved!” Payal clutched on to his kurta, scared as she never saw this side of her husband.
“Akash!” She begged, her heart hammering against her chest as he held her still. “You know right that you could have told me anything! I would have understood, would have believed! In fact if you ever told me that you weren’t even a virgin… it would have never mattered to me because I love you.”
Payal’s eyes widened in shock, followed by disgust as she wrenched herself away from his grip and stared into his angry eyes. “Akash, you were my first.”
Akash sat up and rolled back the white, cotton sleeves of his kurta. “You didn’t bleed that night and I never felt any barrier.” Realization flooded through Payal as she stepped back and looked at his face. “Oh, so this was the reason.”
He stiffened and looked at Payal, her eyes narrowed as she assessed him. “No wonder after our honeymoon you just stopped being a part of my life… as my husband. It’s because you thought,” Payal swallowed tightly, tears filling her eyes at the narrow mindedness of her husband.
“Thought that since I don’t have a hymen, I am not a virgin? Are you not educated Akash? Do you not know that a hymen can tear due to simple, physical activities which is not sex.” Akash looked aside guiltily while Payal buried her face in her palms, sobbing. Stepping away from his proximity, Payal put a pillow on the couch and looked at Akash’s bewildered eyes.
“Anyways you’ve stopped touching your own wife as a lover, and to think that I have been judged every time we made lo… we had sex disgusts and breaks me. How could you?” Payal bit her lip to stifle a cry, in spite of everything that happened, there was still a ridiculous part of her which loved him.
Akash closed his eyes and cussed under his breath. Taking a few steps he reached Payal to find himself pushed away “Don’t even touch me!” She barked while Akash grabbed her arm “I will! I love you too damn it! I know I don’t say it enough, I know I am too soft to do anything but if you are mine then you are mine, period!” He relaxed his grip as Payal looked at him with mistrust.
“I don’t know what to say Akash, I don’t know.” Her eyes fluttered shut as Akash placed a chaste kiss on her lips. “Okay, I am sorry for everything. I am. Just let’s… let’s clean up this mess Payal, even I can’t take it… being so away and distant from you.” Payal, too exhausted by the current events, leaped at the first attempt at reconciliation. Akash chided himself for losing his cool and buried his head in the crook of her neck, hoping the hug was strong enough to seal their cracks.
Why… why did you keep quiet Payal? And I am sorry… my anger was just, misplaced.
Agreed it was my fault Akash, but you really thought that I would hide this from you? I feel sick in love with you.
Akash stiffened and looked in Payal’s glassy eyes. And being the escapists they were, they ran away from answering their questions.
With every cloth shed, she felt a barrier dissolve between them.
“Gentle…” She whispered, arching slightly as her husband apologised and made love to her.
Yet, for the first time, Payal was confused than pleasured.
He was too fast, too distracted.
Cupping his cheek gently, later, Payal rested on his shoulder while Akash blankly stared at the ceiling. Worry filled in Payal as Akash remained unsettled, his brows frowning now and then.
“What happened Akash?” She asked, feeling vulnerability take over her.
“Nothing’s right Payal. Di’s broken, the family is shattered. And over that your sister…”
“Akash?” Payal sat up, looking at him in disbelief. “Khushi too has no fault over here.” Akash gave her a mock nod and shook his head “Khushi isn’t a child Payal. Don’t tell me she never understood that Shyam liked her and barely realised that he was married to Di. You didn’t, I get it. But Khushi’s been to our house a billion times and she never got to saw the huge picture of Shyam and Di?”
Payal frowned in distaste and held Akash’s hand “She’s just eighteen Akash. The same can be said for Di as well. She’s thirty two, matured enough yet she never realised that her husband was never at home! Shyam never had a fixed working address nor did he ever give her any details of his travels… as a wife how could she never understand that!”
Akash grumbled and put his kurta on “Payal, don’t blame Di when your sister’s at a larger fault. Also, what was your family thinking of keeping a young male in their house when there are two young daughters! Logical fallacy clearly runs on your end, not mine.” Payal got up aggressively and folded her arms.
“Akash, don’t turn this into a blame game. Everyone has had their faults here.”
“Exactly my point Payal!” Akash emphasized, adjusting his spectacles. “But you don’t want to accept yours.”
“Mine? Fine, I accept my mistakes… then please ask your mother to accept hers. Because if she was a bit more accommodating then I wouldn’t have hesitated to tell the truth. Maa ji always finds a reason to kick me out.” Payal choked and turned aside, wiping a tear aside.
“Payal… where did my mother come into this situation? You know what,” Akash grabbed his work clothes and laptop “It was my mistake to think I can understand you. Because in your eyes only your family is right. You’ve barely been a wife to me after marriage, and now I feel terrible to see that you’ve not been a daughter in law either.”
Payal gaped at Akash… didn’t they just share an emotional connect moments ago? “How can you say that Akash… right now we just,”
Akash raised his hand and sighed “Whatever happens at bed does not affect discussions Payal.”
Scalded by his comment, a teary but angry Payal grabbed a duffel bag. “You know what Akash, you’re right. I am at fault, I have done mistakes and I have never been a wife or daughter in law. Even if I tried to complete your mother’s stupid demands of chopping a hundred onions in seven minutes or cook for over two hundred people. And I wanted to tell you that…” Payal stopped, her hand going briefly over her stomach but she shut her eyes.
“But you don’t deserve to know it. I am bad, I am terrible… I accept. Now since I can’t satisfy the terms of being Mrs. Akash Raizada or a Raizada bahu, it’s best I leave.” Payal pushed a few clothes into her bag while Akash growled, hurt “I won’t stop you!”
Payal wiped her tears with the back of her hand “I don’t expect you to do either.” A shocked Akash looked on as his wife was really leaving him. Washing his face with cold water, Akash recollected every moment he spent with Payal. What had he ended up saying to her! Was he really oblivious to his mother’s taunts? Did the need to rise as the protector of his family strip him from being a husband?
Feeling the sudden emptiness, he ran behind Payal, too surprised with himself at the turn of events.
“Hello hi bye bye khoon bhari tang! Glad to see that you’re finally leaving my Akash bitwa so as to he can get some relief. God knows how he survives with you in the same room!” He heard Payal’s insult and stopped short.
He silently watch Payal clutching the bag tighter, her face downcast in shame and humiliation.
Having the gift of realizing his mistake sooner than later, Akash shut his eyes and calmed himself. He would apologise, they would reach to a conclusion. Things could definitely be sorted out. Yet when he opened his eyes, the hall was empty.
Payal had long gone away.
---
“Arnav?” A soft, almost ghostly whisper touched him. Arnav looked at the woman he carried in his arms, en route to leaving his room for the hospital.
“Khushi, baby… I am sorry. I swear I won’t hurt you… just hold on.” He begged, pressing his lips against her temple while Khushi squirmed and blinked at his teary face. “I am hurt…” She whispered to herself, her voice almost childlike.
“My hand… ” She croaked, her hand stinging with pain as she subconsciously tried to hold his collar. “Khu…” He stopped in between and took her hands in a closer inspection. Alternating between the blood stains on the sheet and her hands, a cry of hoarse relief escaped his mouth.
She didn’t slit her wrists.
Placing her on the recliner, a dazed Khushi noticed how husband kneeled before her and held her palms, shaking with sobs. “Don’t you ever do this to me again! DON’T YOU… do you know what I went through when I thought that you,” Arnav paused to engulf a weak Khushi into his arms. “I thought I lost you damn it! And I would have died if it happened, again.”
“Why?” Her voice still sounded childlike while Arnav broke away, looking at her face, partially illuminated by the moonlight. “Why! Don’t you know that without you I…”
Khushi raised her hand in front of him, stopping his rant “Why would I kill myself?”
Speechless, Arnav cleared his throat and looked at her. Khushi scrunched and then leaned against the chair. “I didn’t think of it. Maybe I should… after…”
“NO!” Arnav thundered and grabbed her shoulders, looking into her distracted eyes. “Never! Dare you say this Khushi!” Khushi lay limp in his arms while Arnav kept on booming with rage and concern.
“But you’re right…” She faintly added, her fingers playing with the dried blood in her palms. “It’s all my fault.” “STOP!” He held her palms, cursing himself for not getting the first aid.
“We’ll talk about everything else later.” He sprint towards the cupboard, reaching for the first aid blindly while Khushi continued to talk to herself like a haunted doll. “I…”
Cussing on not finding the first aid in the darkness, he stepped aside and switched on the lights. “Khushi shut up, we’ll talk about everything later. First let me… let me look at you.” His voice cracked as he recalled her bloody fingers. Flicking a tear aside in gratitude that nothing happened to his wife, Arnav turned towards Khushi to find an image that even his nightmares couldn’t paint.
There were long, painful scratches marring Khushi’s face and arms. Blood clotted up on the wounds making Arnav tread towards her in sheer terror. “Khushi…” A strangled whisper left his lips as he looked at a broken Khushi stare at him, straight into his eyes.
Arnav felt as if he had been hit by a rod on his head. Numbness spread through his nerves as the first aid box slipped from his hand, falling with a soft thud. Unable to believe the sight before him, he fell down to his knees; just as Khushi had, a few hours before.
As his palms shook and spread on the floor, seeking for balance, Arnav felt his world tilt and ground slip away. Soft tufts of long lustrous hair came into his hands, strewn all across the floor.
“I don’t know how I cut my own hand…I was just chopping off my hair.” Khushi muttered, looking at the scissors crossly.
“Khushi…” Arnav called out, like a dead man. Khushi blinked at him and subconsciously reached to touch her hair, a thing she always did when he looked at her. When her fingertips touched the poky ends of her short, spiky hair, she let a few tears fall as she saw her long mane on the floor.
Dragging himself to hold the ghost of what he would call as Khushi, she grabbed a chunk of her hair from the floor and said “I am no longer beautiful, right Arnav ji? Your Di… she’s safe.”
As her gaze locked with Arnav’s terrified ones, she smiled and slipped onto the floor, her glassy eyes glistening with unshed tears.
“Your sister is safe.”
----
My dearest readers,
Again, I don't advocate self harm. Please don't follow Khushi - not now. Remember that Arnav regretted speaking those blaster words.
Don't forget to voice your opinion!
Sincerely,
*
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